Penis Blog

What I’d like to ask y’all, since you’re so sophisticated and everything, is this: Why is it that lesbians think penis jokes, Puppetry of the Penis (no I’m not giving them a link), Penis Humor, “per se,” are funny, but straight women are all, ewww. Get that thing away from me.

Kenny and I were watching The Daily Show last night and somebody got called a pussy during one of those fake "on location" segments. I can't remember just now who did the calling and who was the actual pussy, but I do know that when used as an insult, pussy = weak. HAH.

That lovely green lawn of yours? You're just compensating: Lawn pesticides are linked to decreases in human penis size, a University of Florida researcher reports.

Now, I’m married, so my need to jelq is fairly low. But I am hoping the word will enter the Scrabble lexicon, where, if played wisely, it could be worth something like 1,500 points.

I'm a subscriber to the Toronto Star and I felt I had to write because I was completely disgusted by the artricle you printed in the Saturday Star about eating animal penises.

A promotional website, set up to advertise grapefruit has fallen foul of the government in Vietnam over fears the sites name could be mistaken for the word penis.

The Vietnamese for grapefruit, buoi, sounds different from a slang word for penis, but without special accents it looks the same and local regulations say website names cannot include sensitive words.

Residents of a small Croatian town called police after waking up to find a 17-foot snow sculpture of a penis in the main square.

"To me, that goes to the basis of what I do, which is outrageous, fun, sort of anything-goes humor," Stern told the Daily News last week. "It's not the idea that the guy played the piano with his penis. It was sitting there and talking to a guy who would come up to the radio studio and play the piano with his penis. That's what's so great about the show. We could spend an hour with that a------."

Furthur proof that god is a comedian. Hurricane Ophelia also had phallic imagery.

Levy's fans -- who fell in love with him in the witty Christopher Guest mockumentaries ("Waiting for Guffman," "Best in Show") -- also may think the movie, with its de rigueur potty and penis gags, represents something of a sellout to big-budget Hollywood values.

But Levy exudes an innocence in the face of a cruel world that is so funny and charming in several scenes that you think of Harold Lloyd and Buster Keaton; and Jackson is exceedingly generous throughout, perfectly willing to play the straight man.

The Educational Nucleus of Vast Yearning (ENVY) has released a not-so-shocking study that establishes an "inverse" relationship between vehicle and penis sizes.

Dr. Bruce Johnson, a vehicular sociologist from Stanford, has been analyzing vehicle-to-driver relationships, vehicle purchasing patterns, and automotive self-esteem comparisons since 1998. He was surprised by the results of the study.

The recent Malaysia episode has Bourdain eating a shrimp paste out of a ceramic crock in a night market in Kuala Lumpur. His response: "It's shrimpy and putrid -- in a good way." Later, he sits down at a stall for a bowl of torpedo soup, which is boiled bull penis in a savory curry broth. "That's a mouthful," Bourdain says, innuendos intended.

After seizing assets from Brad Bournival including a pile of gold ingots and a luxury Hummer off-road vehicle, AOL is offering them among the prizes in a free sweepstake.

Bournival, 21, made a small fortune by sending tens of millions of unsolicited emails offering penis enlargement pills. His spam onslaught was so intense that it provoked 100,000 complaints from AOL members on a single day in January 2004.

Sitting at my desk one 'normal' day (were any of those days actually normal?), i happened to glance over at one of my collegues, Wanna-be-alien, who happpened to have his hand down his trousers. No, you did not misread it, he actually had his hand down his trousers. I couldn't beleive my eyes, so i kindly asked him to remove his hand. He looked at me as if i asked him to do some horribly boring task, memorising the telephone directory .

It’s sort of JerkCity-esque and, thus, involves a lot of penis humor, and therefore may not be for everyone. It’s kind of Dada, and mostly ironic. Don’t take it at all at face value.

Some person in China went to a parking lot and took pictures of people having sex in their cars. The expressions on their faces are priceless. So horrifying (for them anyways) yet still funny.

But recently one of them wanted to know if she or I had had "the talk" with our teenage son. My spouse looked at her blankly. "The talk? Which talk? We talk about all kinds of things."

"You know," her friend went on, "The talk."

Special thanks to Penis Blog.

Christina Hoff Summers has a hilarious account of a College Republicans counter-protest against "V-Day" and the Vagina Monologues (warning: extensive penis humor involved). It appears that the use of the costume is what got these guys in trouble. Yet again, proof that the conservative movement's vibrancy draws strength from the fact that humorless authority figures on college campuses are invariably on the Left. (Link via Althouse)

"I told him this story about how I once performed with Dame Edna creator Barry Humphries. I duetted with him as his character Sir Les Patterson and he chased me round the stage with a large prosthetic penis.

"The Prince laughed and then told me his Barry Humphries story, which was just as good."

But the 35-year-old singer says she didn't realise that such a risque subject could be off-limits until the end of the evening.

Cooperative Housing. Did you know that pubic hair is one of the five basic food groups? Of course you didn’t. Then again, you also thought that soap was a prerequisite for the advancement of civilization. For shame. Never fear, though: Pubic hair is vegan.

Greeks. If you have a penis, simply walk into any of UC Berkeley’s numerous fraternities with a pulse and a resistance to roofies, and whammo! you’ve got a place to live. If you’re in the market for sorority life, however, prepare for the professional history of your father, mother, gardener and papillon to be scrutinized by a team of highly motivated coke heads before you’re granted admission. Papa can only afford luxurious baths in diamond-laced caviar and 1978 Domaine de la Romanee-Conti on a monthly basis? Welcome to the waiting list. Papa is a struggling handyman living in a garage in small-town West Virginia? Uh … yeah. Maybe you should look into getting a penis.

Despite all its topical ideas, the "Lysistrata" remains, primarily, an uproarious time at the theater. Phallic jokes abound, and old ladies threaten to castrate shocked politicians. There's also a particularly funny scene involving a flirtatious, teasing wife and her amorous husband, who just wants to get some action. Asked to sum up the play in three words, Gray responded that it was "Sexy, hilarious, relevant!" (It's also worth mentioning that there's a giant, penis-shaped fountain on the set.) So be sure to reward All Student Theater's (ahem) hard work and come out to the quad, 8:00 p.m. Friday and Saturday, for a mere five dollars in advance, or six at the door. "Everyone's welcome to bring their blankets and picnic," urges Gray. Dick jokes and high culture rarely go so hand in hand.

Bonnano started the Yes Men with his friend, Andy Bichlbaum, when the two launched a fake WTO Web site in 1999, right before the organization's conference in Seattle. They intended merely to satirize the WTO and flout free-trade economics, but were pleasantly surprised when people who didn't carefully scrutinize their site mistook it for the real thing. Pretty soon, a whole bevy of corporate hucksters were e-mailing the Yes Men with questions and inviting them to participate in official conferences. "So we just decided to present the WTO more honestly than they present themselves," Bonanno recalls. The two scrounged up all their savings and traveled to conferences in several countries, spoofing the WTO in a series of high-jinks. At their most daring, the Yes Men lectured at a textile conference in Finland, where they showcased a three-foot model penis "for administering electric shocks to sweatshop employees."

Scientists have just released a clinical study proving without a doubt that there is a direct relationship between the size of a man's truck and the size of a man's penis.

Yes, just take a look around this campus and you'll see: the real men drive real big and real loud, pick'em-up trucks.

Extra points are awarded for the following items: a gun rack (10 points), a confederate flag (five points - also accepted are bumper stickers reading "Heritage, not hate"), or a sticker reading "Cowboy/girl Up" (five points).

Robert Downey Jr. is eager to promote himself as "Tori Amos with a penis" after plucking the quote from a review of his album.

The Hollywood star, 40, is willing fans and critics to give their verdicts on his musical venture The Futurist, and cites the comparison to the Silent All These Years singer as one of his favourite comments.

Downey Jr says, "That's a great compliment. One of the nicest things that's been said about my album."

Who in her right mind would be happy posing next to Teri Hatcher in a red bathing suit? Not Marcia Cross, who reportedly pitched a fit when a photographer placed the two "Desperate Housewives" next to each other for Vanity Fair. We weren't surprised, since the ladies created loads of drama on our NEWSWEEK photo shoot (Dec. 17). More shocking? ABC wouldn't let Cross stand next to a bush in the shape of Michelangelo's David. "Marcia will not come on set if that penis is in the topiary," Vanity Fair quotes a studio executive. No word on which actress did the pruning.

The Found Footage Festival is filled with home movies, bizarre personal videos, industrial films and bad public-access shows, all discovered in such prime locales as thrift stores, dumpsters and garage sales.

Based in Queens and started roughly a year ago, Found has toured to sold-out houses in several cities, including Chicago, Minneapolis and Austin. A West Coast tour is planned; organizers are appealing for help.

The show includes everything from bad elementary-school talent shows to rednecks skinning catfish alive. There are bad corporate training films and graphic penis-pump instructional videos. "They get the best reaction from people," admitted co-curator Joe Pickett. "It never fails to deliver."

The Dildo Song // Altogether now ...... 'Everyone knows it's dildo !'

Diminutive male genitalia disorder (DMGD) has, until this month, been considered only a theory in the scientific world, but now the long-suspected link between hunting and unusually small penis size has been established as scientific fact by the Diminutive Male Genitalia Disorder Research Organization (DMGDRO). The DMGDRO has conducted an extensive two-year study on men with diminutive male genitalia disorder.

Lead by Mike Streams and Brian Upchurch, who began their collaboration on human sexuality research while undergraduate students at Johns Hopkins University, DMGDRO is a team of New Orleans, Louisiana-based scientists interested in the study of male sexual disorders and dysfunction. Having identified the genetic disorder linking small male reproductive organs and the ability to derive pleasurable sensations from killing in a controlled environment without fear of personal harm (as differentiated from war or fighting back in an attack by a human being), also known as “controlled victim” aggression manifestation, Streams and Upchurch believe that there may be ways to combat men's feelings of inadequacy and curb some of the destructive behaviors that such men engage in as coping mechanisms.

If you're a college-educated white man, you'll likely earn an average of $28,200 more than the white women who graduated from college beside you. Isn't that special?

Commentators have tried to defend this discrepancy by pointing out that women often choose lower-paying fields and take time out of their careers to have children.

An Oklahoma judge is denying charges that on several occasions, he used a penis pump, in court, while court is in session.

A court reporter and a baliff both testify that they saw him putting on the penis pump while presiding over a murder trial.

The man (I'm not going to use his name, since he isn't guilty yet) was heard by several jurors in the case giving off sounds like a bicycle pump.

He does admit to owning a penis pump that was given to him by a friend for his 50th birthday.

Then last week, self-proclaimed "cock stand-in" Jacob Christner broke his silence. He came forward, he said, because he had not yet been paid for the work and, thus, felt the confidentiality agreement he signed with the actor was nullified. "I’m very disappointed," Christner confided. "I was assured by the producers that I was going to ride Vincent Gallo’s dick all the way to Hollywood but it looks like I’ve gotten the shaft!"

In my own Emily Litella moment, I misread a headline in this morning’s online edition of Newsday, mistaking it for “C-Murder Barred From Having Penis” (which I’m sure you’ll all agree, is cruel and unusual punishment).

Young Swami Krishnanand, wearing wire-rim glasses and a constant smile, translates for the filmmakers as he interviews, among others, a guru who sits on nails and another whose flock was doing puppetry of the penis long before those Aussie guys. The filmmakers give the same respect to gimmickry practitioners as they do to other gurus, yet the distinction is clear. The gurus who glow with inner peace do so without any tricks.

When we sat down to read John Updike's review of a Danish biography of Soren Kierkegaard, we hardly expected to be introduced to a new sexual standard for the male endowment. Updike quotes a passage from the book speculating upon the nature of the physical ailment that may have plagued Kierkegaard during his brief life:

“Garff spends less time on the possibility, raised in the far reaches of Kierkegaard studies, 'that he might have been equipped with a curved penis, whose vaginal maneuverability would in all probability have been somewhat limited.'”

Vaginal maneuverability. We could say that all day. But, man, what a nasty image that quote conjures up. While scholars have debated whether Kierkegaard ever actually indulged in any earthly delights, that quote still forces us to imagine Kierkegaard trying to cram his disfigured dingaling into some hapless Danish lass. Unsavory.

A penis double has sparked a new controversy for Vincent Gallo's Brown Bunny movie - claiming he hasn't been paid for letting Chloe Sevigny perform fellatio on him in the film.

Gallo has always maintained he starred in the pornographic scene using remote controlled cameras which he operated himself, but now actor Jacob Christner claims his genitals were used.

"It's exciting to be in a restaurant nude"

Dude, I'm just gonna have to take your word for it.

I was invited but I decided not to go, since I have misplaced by "genital bracelet".

However ... maybe I can attend next month which is - Easter Bonnet month.

Now I must drop the pose.

EASTER BONNET MONTH? A month where you get to be nude, wear "genital bracelets" (I'm sorry, what the hell IS a genital bracelet? Is there a difference between a genital bracelet and a cock ring? No, wait - don't answer that) and EASTER BONNETS???

I might have to picket the event. Just to check it out.

The David Spade Penis Nose
So there is still a reason to watch SNL.

And Brad should know – he reportedly felt the sharp end of Clooney’s need for vengeance during filming of Oceans 12, when Clooney surreptitiously stuck a none-too-flattering bumper sticker on Pitt’s car.

The Hollywood heart throb was left driving though rush hour traffic sporting a bumper sticker that proclaimed ‘small penis on board’.

"Keen observers of a sketch about a celebrity roast of Clint Eastwood might have noticed something peculiar about how the show's host, David Spade, was made up to look like Owen Wilson.

His nose looked like a penis. Not 'kind of like a penis'; it looked like a urologically-correct appendage, right down to what we believe is called the dorsal vein."

Because of [Jeffrey Neal Thompson's] arrest on Monday on drug and other charges, he was called to report to the Probation Office at Charlotte Corrections Institution — the state prison — on Oil Well Road for violating terms of his probation.

When he arrived, Thompson was asked to submit a urine sample to be tested for narcotics. The Probation Officer, L.H. Severson said, “Upon entry to the bathroom, Thompson became nervous and started to undo his shorts zipper.

"Thompson was instructed to turn around. At that time he pulled out a fake penis with a bladder in an attempt to alter his drug test,” Severson said.

Thompson told Severson that because the police confiscated his fake penis along with the drugs on Monday, he purchased another one in Ft. Myers and attempted to use it at the prison. The item, called a “Whizzinator” is used to alter drug testing results.

How did he hear this delightful word??

From the neighbor.

The same neighbor whose three-year-old calls everyone a "Penis Head".

*sigh*

Having neighbors this close with 5 boys has been a blessing and a curse.

Urologist Gunther Hagler, head of the team compiling the research, said: "By checking hundreds of patients we found German penises were too small for standard EU condoms. "On average they were 14.48 cms long and 3.95 cms wide. That makes them much smaller than the EU standard condom size of 17 cms in length and 5.6 cms in width." He denied the German man was any smaller than the rest of Europe, adding: "We think the EU has got its sums wrong, and if other countries were to check out their men's assets they would find the EU has made a mistake in its calculations.

Do all your holiday shopping right here.

Well, maybe not all of it, but some of it, perhaps. You know, if your friends aren't averse to wearing dildos (on their t-shirts or bumpers, that is). Heck, buy them even for people you don't like who are dildo-averse.

Help the good people of Alabama defend their right to auto-eroticism!

A Chinese man has lifted a 75kg barbell for 10 seconds - with his penis.

Zhan, from Harbin city, Helongjiang province, said the skill is a branch of Kung Fu, which is exclusive to his family.

What a night for Sharks fans!

First their team was beaten by the Hurricanes. Then 16 of them were arrested for drunken driving at a roadblock in Springfield Park.

Two of them tried to speed off, but were chased and brought back, tested for alcohol and charged.

No less than 40 of them were served with tickets for various speeding offences.

Four of them were charged with being in possession of drugs.

And one of them is in hospital, having had a police bullet go right through his penis and out of his buttocks.

Friday night rugby has to change.

Robert Peters, a 47-year-old locksmith from Bangor is accused of exposing himself to a client on June 12, 2002, while making a house call in Bethlehem. Peters' trial began Monday. The victim testified that she and Peters were sipping tea after he finished installing a deadbolt lock when she saw Peters' semi-erect penis sticking three inches past the bottom of his shorts.

That's impossible, according to defense attorney Gary Asteak.

"She's mistaken," Asteak said. "He's not that big."

I woke up this morning
with a bad hangover
and my penis was missing again.
This happens all the time:
it’s detachable.
This comes in handy a lot of the time:
I can leave it home
when I think it’s going to get me in trouble,
or I can rent it out
when I don’t need it.
But now and then I go to a party,
get drunk,
and the next morning I can’t for the life of me
remember what I did with it.

First I looked around my apartment
and I couldn’t find it
so I called up the place where the party was.
They hadn’t seen it either.
I asked them to check the medicine cabinet
(because for some reason I leave it there sometimes)
but not this time.
So I told them if it pops up to let me know.
I called some other people from the party
but they were no help either.

I was starting to get desperate.
I really don’t like being without my penis for too long.
It makes me feel like less of a man,
and I really hate having to sit down every time I take a leak.

After a few hours of searching the house
and calling everyone I could think of,
I was starting to get very depressed.
So I went to the Kiev and ate breakfast.
Then as I walked down Second Avenue
towards St. Mark’s place where all those
people sell used books and other junk on the street,
I saw my penis lying on a blanket
next to a broken toaster oven.
Some guy was selling it.
He wanted 22 bucks,
but I talked him down to 17.
I took it home, washed it off, and put it back on.

I was happy again.
Complete.
People sometimes tell me I should get it permanently attached,but,
I don’t know. Even though it’s sometimes a pain in the ass,
I like having a detachable penis.

They call themselves the Puppetry of the Penis - The Ancient Art of Genital Origami.

Ouch

Puppetry of the Penis was conceived by Simon Morley in 1996 as the title of a classy, highbrow art calendar, showcasing twelve of his favourite dick tricks. Years before, Simon’s youngest brother had shown him his first dick trick, “The Hamburger”. Natural sibling rivalry with their two other brothers resulted in the evolution of a healthy repertoire of genital gesticulations.

A teenager has agreed to admit to three counts of disturbing the peace after anonymously sending semen-frosted brownies to a fellow student. The recipient shared the treat with two other teens, police said.

They said the 17-year-old Coeur d'Alene High School student was upset after a prank in which the other student put peanut butter in his cheese sandwich days before. He told a school resource officer that "he hated peanut butter and it made him more mad than ...

Romanian doctors have removed a man's wedding ring from his penis.

The patient, who is married and has two children, told doctors he had a one night stand with another woman.

He couldn't say how the ring got onto his penis but suspected the mistress wanted to embarrass him because he fell asleep during sex.

Rapper WILL SMITH was completely unaware his 1997 album title BIG WILLIE STYLE actually referred to the size of a man's penis in Britain.

The hip-hop star accepts why the disc caused such a stir among female fans in the UK, convinced he was boasting about the length of his manhood.

But Smith is adamant his album means something completely different in America.

He says, "The Big Willie is somebody who's basically running the game, the person ...

Look, I like computer games as much as the next guy. Between World of Warcraft and City of Heroes, I’m starting to sacrifice precious hours of sleep at night. (Anyone with a kid between the ages of two days and two years will know how precious even an extra half hour of sleep can be.) But I’m saying here and now that if I ever, ever end up needing one of these, I fully expect to come home to an ...

For the second time in several months, our "non-operational" "test-bed" missile defense failed to rise to the occasion. The North Koreans are probably not impressed.

"Spider-Man Hasn't Got a Penis"

This according to Jaxon , my four-year-old son, who spends most of the day zooming around the house in his new Spidey jammies.

Someone better tell Mary Jane before it gets serious.

A man was left needing hospital attention after his wife's pet skunk bit him on the willy.

Hapless Dan Infalt needed stitches to his manhood after he played a little too rough with Ozzie - a de-scented chocolate-brown skunk that had been with the family since he was a baby.

Dan, from Milwaukee, Wisconsin, is now fine, but the animal was put down as local law requires, leaving wife Carol in a stink about her skunk who used ...

Serious theater is a little off the beaten path for Penis Blog. We're more comfortable in the realm of erectile dysfunction than drama dysfunction, although there may be some cause-and-effects going on there. Anyway, here's a very short piece called "The Godot Monologues" which was writted to protest a ban on women performing in "Waiting for Godot".

“A German theater has been barred from staging Samuel Beckett’s absurdist masterpiece Waiting for Godot with women in the two key roles, Agence France-Presse reported. The orders came from Beckett’s German publishers.... “This manner of defending the holy grail is a bad joke [said the manager of the German theater where it was to have been performed].” He noted that the publishing house explained that its action was taken out of respect for Beckett’s wishes that women never perform ...